


Call It Home

by princelogical



Series: The Human!Sides College AU Verse [14]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, College!AU, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Summertime Shenanigans, human!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-03-09 23:46:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13492350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princelogical/pseuds/princelogical
Summary: Patton and Logan are staying with Virgil for a little while during the summer for emotional support after Virgil’s dog gets injured. It should be fine but Patton finds that suddenly being reintroduced to what a loving family is like can be overwhelming.





	1. Chapter 1

**Monday, July 10 th 2017**

**Virgil is calling!**

Patton jolted awake, hair in every direction, and grabbed for his phone that was tucked neatly under his pillow. He rubbed the sleepy feeling from his eyes and gave a quick glance to Logan’s still-thankfully-sleeping form. With a sigh of relief, Patton took his index finger and swiped to answer the call. Before he could even say, “Hello,” Virgil was already rushing to speak.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry, I know I never call. I don’t like to call, I get anxious, oh God, I’m screwing this up. I’m so sorry. Oh, shoot. I dropped my cinnamon roll. My mom made me cinnamon rolls, but they taste gross. Shoot, that’s mean.”

“Virgil-”

“They’re not really that bad, she tried. They just are those rolled in a can kind and they taste like cardboard, but it’s the thought that counts.”

“Kiddo, take a deep breath,” Patton instructed gently. Patton heard a soft puff of air and then another shaky breath. After a couple minutes Patton asked, “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry I called you, it’s- What time is it?” Shuffling was heard on the other line and then a little gasp. “Five? Oh man, you were probably asleep.”

“I was awake,” Patton said, which wasn’t really a lie. He was awake when he answered the phone- just not when Virgil had called.

“Oh, thank God,” Virgil gasped out. The white lie was worth it, Patton decided. “Smokey tore her ACL, which isn’t too big of a deal, but she’s old and getting sick and- and- They don’t think they can do anything about it.” Virgil sniffled on the line and Patton heard the sound of someone blowing their nose. “I don’t want her to-” Virgil coughed and sniffled again. “I just- I’m sorry. I wanted to talk to someone.”

Patton pushed aside his covers and stood up, stretching, blinking the rest of his traces of sleep from his eyes. “You can call me anytime, buddy. Hey, you want me to come over? Keep you company?”

“I don’t wanna bother-”

“Don’t be silly. It’s no bother. Text me your address, okay?”

“Wait- you’re heading up right now?”

“Is that okay?” Patton asked.

Virgil let out a laugh that sounded tired. “If you don’t mind- I don’t wanna make you-”

“You’re not,” Patton soothed. “I’ll call you when I’m a half hour away to give you a heads up, okay, kiddo?”

“Okay.”

“Virgil?”

“Hm?”

“It’s gonna be okay,” Patton said.

Virgil let out a slow, long sigh. “I hope so. Bye, Patton.”

“Bye!” Patton pulled the phone away from his ear and shut the screen off and slid it into his pocket. He quietly made his way to grab some clothes when Logan shifted, letting out a quiet grunt. Patton froze. _He needs sleep. Go back to sleep, Lo. C’mon, kiddo-_

Apparently, thinking hard enough did not work against fate. Logan sat up, running a hand through his hair to flatten it against his scalp. He blinked a few times then put on his glasses. He met Patton’s eyes.

“You’re up?” Logan asked.

“I’m just gonna head out for a bit. Go back to sleep.”

But the traces of sleepiness were disappearing from Logan’s eyes rapidly. “Where are you going at,” Loan glanced at his phone, “five-twenty in the morning?”

“Just gonna go see Virgil.”

“Is he all right?” Logan asked, standing up and digging through his drawer to grab clothing of his own.

“He was upset about something. His dog’s sick and hurt.”

“Ah, I see why that would upset him,” Logan said, folding his pyjama shirt and neatly tucking it away in his drawer. He pulled a shirt over his head and then began adjusting a tie against his neck.

“Yeah. I told him I’d come and keep him company. I’ll call my boss and let her know I won’t be in today.”

“I should call my boss as well,” Logan said, slipping a pair of jeans over his hips.

Patton frowned. “Well… what do you mean by that, kiddo?”

“A friend is… struggling, right? Shouldn’t I come up to see Virgil with you?”

“I mean… if you really want to, but you don’t have to-”

“Of course I do,” Logan said. Patton smiled.

“Okay then.”

The two finished getting ready quietly and grabbed a coffee (for Logan), and chocolate milk (for Patton), from the sandwich shop, along with their breakfast. They ate quietly in the parking lot, the sun making its full appearance in the sky and the birds tweeting from the trees. Patton smiled, closed his eyes and savoured the peace.

“It is very… pretty out today,” Logan remarked.

“It sure is, kiddo,” Patton agreed. He took another drink of his milk and set it down, digging through the bag for a stray tater tot. “It’s nice to not worry about school.”

“That is approximately the sixtieth time you’ve said that this summer,” Logan said, a smug smirk poking at his lips.

“You’re keeping count? But still- Saying it a lot doesn’t make it any less true,” Patton said. Logan smiled widely and nodded.

“True. I almost don’t know what to do with myself without having a lot of stuff to do. Or my parents to worry about.” Logan took a long drink of his coffee, leaning back in his seat. Patton had noticed the change in Logan over the summer; it wasn’t impossible to get him out and do something fun. He smiled more. The bags under Logan’s eyes that once worried Patton so much were fading.

It was encouraging, really. Especially seeing the weight seem to physically lift off Logan’s shoulders once filing the restraining order against his mother.

After they finished eating, Patton tossed the bags into a garbage bin and headed down the road towards Virgil’s house. The two listened to podcasts and some of the stuff from Patton’s Upbeat Tunes playlist. Logan rolled his eyes at a few of the songs but the soft smile on his face told Patton that he didn’t mind.

When they pulled into Virgil’s driveway, Patton felt a wave of nostalgia hit him softly in the chest, temporarily making his nose burn and eyes water. Virgil lived at the very end of the suburbs in a small house; a little garden was just outside the white porch. A blue and shabby minivan was parked in the driveway, grass growing from the cracks. A shabby welcome mat sat at the doorway. It looked like the one his own mom bought without his dad’s permission and let his dad see on the way home from work.

_“Why’s there a welcome mat out front?” his dad asked with a soft laugh._

_Patton played with his little trucks on the ground and snickered. “Mommy bought it because it was pretty.”_

_His dad bent down and kissed Patton’s mom on the mouth as she tried to smother laughs. “It has a cute puppy on it, doesn’t it?”_

_“Sure does. But we don’t have a puppy, do we?”_

_“We can change that,” his mom said with a wink and Patton had squealed with delight._

They got a puppy three days later.

“Are you all right, Patton?” Logan asked.

Patton grinned, turning off the ignition. “Yeppers! Ready to go in?”

“Yes.”

The two unbuckled and got out of the car. Patton breathed in the dry summer air, smelling the fresh-cut grass. The birds sang brightly from their perches in the trees. The sun shone and a light breeze teased his and Logan’s hair as they made their way to the door. Patton could hear music muffled from inside the house. He smiled and stared at the welcome mat a few seconds too long then rang the doorbell.

“Virgil Anthony, go answer that door! And turn that music off!” a woman’s voice yelled in exasperation.

“I’m trying to clean up the mess in the kitchen!”

“What mess?”

“I burnt another batch of cookies!”

“Oh, heavens.”

Logan and Patton exchanged an amused look with each other, turning their heads when they heard the sound of someone unlocking the door. Virgil’s dad stood at the door, friendly smile on his face.

“Hey, folks. Come on in. Virgil and Grace are dealing with a… situation in the kitchen.”

Patton and Logan walked over the step and entered the house, Virgil’s dad shutting the door behind them. The living room was slightly messy; dog toys were strewn over the floor and a roll of paper towels was tossed on the couch. The radio on a shelf sat beside two lit cinnamon spice candles and blasted a familiar song that Virgil had introduced Patton to called, “Welcome to the Black Parade.”

“John, can you please turn that music off?” Virgil’s mom yelled from the kitchen.

“Sure.” He reached over and flicked off the radio. Patton walked into the kitchen, Logan trailing behind, tapping his knuckles with his fingertips.

Virgil’s mom looked up from where she was scrubbing a blackened pan over a trashcan filled with blackened cookies. In the kitchen, it smelled less like cinnamon and spice and more like… burnt cookies.

She swiped her messy hair from her face and gave Logan and Patton a bright smile. “I’m so sorry, guys, Virgil decided to stress bake and he’s not even good at baking in the first place.” She let out a deep sigh.

Patton’s eyes moved over to where Virgil sat on the stove, chewing on a darkened cookie- not quite burnt, but still not looking very appetizing either. He was wearing his usual hoodie, unzipped, and showing his purple shirt underneath it. He snorted, crumbs scattering on the floor. “I need something to do.”

“You could help me scrape these pans.”

“You took them from me!” Virgil said. He hopped down from the stove and briskly walked over to Patton and quickly wrapped himself in Patton’s arms. Patton wrapped his arms around him, resting his hands on Virgil’s back, gently running a hand up and down, and feeling Virgil’s shaky breathing against his shoulder.

“Thanks for coming,” Virgil mumbled, voice muffled.

“No prob, kiddo.”

Virgil moved over to hugging Logan, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. Logan looked nervous as if he were going to break Virgil into pieces by even touching him, but he still gently tapped his hands on Virgil’s back with a quiet hum.

“I can give you gas money, if you need it,” Virgil’s mom offered with a soft smile directed at Patton as she shut the trash can and tossed the pan into the sink.

“Mom, no, I invited him, I can give gas money,” Virgil offered.

“Don’t even think about it,” Patton said with a broad grin. “I wanted to come up and see you anyway, Virge. The campus is boring without you and Roman.”

“Oh please, it’s probably peaceful for once without Princey causing chaos.”

“Oh yes,” Logan said with a smirk. “However, it is a little… too quiet at times.”

“Well, you two are welcome to stay here for a bit,” Virgil’s mom said. “It’s hardly quiet around here.”

“Mom!”

“We have a guest bedroom if you two wouldn’t mind sharing,” she said with a hopeful smile.

“I dunno about Logan but I’d love to stay, Mrs.-”

“Please, call me Grace,” she said with a laugh.

Patton grinned. “Well, I would love to stay if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all.”

“How about you, Lo?” Virgil asked.

Logan nodded. “That would be adequate.”

Virgil grabbed a Tupperware container full of browned cookies and walked through the kitchen, gesturing for Logan and Patton to follow him to where the stairs started. “Come on, I’ll show you two my room.”

“Why’re you taking cookies upstairs? There’s no eating up there,” Grace said as Virgil started running up the stairs.

“I’m only gonna look at them!” Virgil yelled back.

“Do you need any help, ma’am?” Logan asked politely.

She shook her head. “Go,” she said. She gave a small, almost sad smile. “I think he’s feeling quite high-strung today with everything to do with the dog.”

“We’ll watch out for him,” Patton promised. He turned and started making his way up the stairs, Logan walking up behind him. The first room at the top of the stairs to the right was where Virgil was. Patton walked in and glanced at Virgil who sat on a full-sized bed, nibbling on one of the cookies with trembling hands.

Virgil’s room was stuck in a 2012 high schooler’s emo phase. The walls were painted a dark purple and several lava lamps sat on a black dresser with skulls for knobs. Several tattered band-posters were taped on the wall from MCR to Blink 182. His covers were galaxy designed and his dresser was covered in notebooks with motivating sayings on the covers.

“You have an aesthetically pleasing room,” Logan sat, shutting the door and moving to sit beside Virgil.

“Thanks. I haven’t remodelled since high school so it’s… kinda weird.” He pulled another cookie from the container and began nibbling on it. “Thanks for coming up, guys, seriously. You really didn’t have to. I was a little... anxious when I called you.”

“Don’t worry about it, kiddo. We’ve missed you anyway, haven’t we, Lo?”

“He doesn’t stop talking about you,” Logan remarked dryly. “It’s as if he’s grown bored of me.”

Virgil snorted. “You guys want a cookie? They’re kinda gross but I’m gonna gain a couple too many pounds if I eat all of them.”

Patton reached over and picked one up, biting into it; it was slightly burnt but still tasted like a decent chocolate chip cookie so he wasn’t complaining. Virgil forcefully shut the lid on the Tupperware container and put it on his nightstand where another stack of journals sat, one opened and a pen sitting on top of it. Virgil seemed to notice Patton staring.

“Been journaling since sophomore year,” Virgil said casually. “Therapist said it might help.” He paused, staring awkwardly at his socked feet. “Can I take my hoodie off? If it makes you guys uncomfortable, I don’t have to, it’s just hot, but like-”

“Do as you wish, Virgil, we don’t mind,” Logan said.

Virgil shed the material and sighed, running his hands over his flushed skin with a sigh. “Don’t wanna risk overheating and I don’t think my parents care, but I still… a little embarrassed with these.” Virgil gestured to his scar and then leaned back against his pillows. “So, the vet says Smokey’s probably gonna be fine but they have to do a little procedure on her leg or whatever, but she’s old, and the doctor says it could be risky which is code for she might die.”

Patton moved over, sitting beside Virgil and carefully wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “It’s gonna work out, Virge. It will.”

“What if she dies?” Virgil asked looking unbearably vulnerable and scared. “I can’t take it if she dies- I can’t… I don’t wanna lose her.”

Logan reached over and gently cupped Virgil’s right hand in his, squeezing softly. “We’re here,” Logan said simply. “No matter how it turns out.”

Virgil smiled softly and leaned his head on Logan’s shoulder with a soft sigh. Patton was just happy to have his friends so close, all a little broken, hesitant, and scared.

But he’d missed this.

-*-

After a delicious dinner prepared by John, Roman called Patton and rambled for twenty minutes about a play he’d seen with his mom before he took a deep breath and asked, “So, how are you and Logical Disaster doing? Never thought I’d say it, but I miss you and the nerd.”

“We’re actually hanging out with Virge.”

Patton smiled fondly, hearing Roman’s pout through the phone. “Without me?”

“Sorry, bud. We drove up because his dog isn’t doing well and I think he wants a little company.”

Roman whined. “Damn-”

“Language.”

“Darn. I wanna hang out with you guys.”

Patton laughed. “Maybe once things die down a little we can all get together and do something fun!”

“Yeah, totally. Maybe clubbing?”

“I don’t think any of us besides you are much for the clubbing scene,” Patton said with a snicker.

“Ah, whatever, party poopers. We’ll figure something out. How’s Hot Topic?”

“He’s okay. A little… down.”

Roman hummed quietly. “I’ll text him and see about maybe coming up myself.”

“I think he’d appreciate it. Even just your support.”

“Of course. I’m a wonderful support.”

Patton rolled his eyes fondly. “Of course you are, kiddo. How’re you doing?”

As usual, Roman sputtered a little at the question; it seemed he still wasn’t quite used to people checking in on him or being concerned for him so Patton had resolved to ask Roman as often as possible. Make sure he knew someone was in his corner.

“I’m good. I uh- I got drinks with Devon the other night. Met his wife.”

“Really?” Patton asked. “That’s amazing, Roman. I’m so proud of you.”

“Heh, pssh, yeah.” Roman laughed awkwardly. “It was uhm- Weird. But not bad.”

“Wait- Did you have a designated driver?” Patton asked worriedly.

Roman burst out laughing. “Yes, I called an Uber, Daddio.”

“Okay, Roman,” Patton said, laughing. “I’ll let you go. Call me if you need anything, got it?”

“Kay kay. Catch ya later, Pat.”

“Bye.”

“Bye!”

Patton ended the call, smiling. It always made him happy to talk to Roman- any of his friends, really. But it just made him feel extra special when his friends called him first.

“Was that Prince Underarm Stink?” Virgil asked. Grace shot him a disproving look.

“Virgil, you be nice.”

Virgil rolled his eyes but smiled at her, giving a two-fingered salute. “Was it?”

“Yeah, it was,” Patton said. “He was just talking about a play he saw and checking in on everyone.”

“Lit,” Logan said casually.

Virgil buried his head in his hand. “Logan, please-”

Logan looked up from his phone. “Did I use it incorrectly?”

“No- but- it’s just weird when you say it.”

“I’m gonna head to bed since I have to drive to work earlier tomorrow,” Patton said.

“Night, Patton,” Virgil said. “Thanks again for stay-”

“No more thanking me,” Patton said with a smile. “I don’t mind.”

He headed up the stairs, suddenly feeling impossibly tired. He entered the guest room, quietly shutting the door behind him and flicked on the lights; it was impossibly cozy with a queen sized bed against the wall in the middle of the room. The lights were dim and fuzzy, shining on the soft white carpets. The dresser was big and a cherry-wood; it looked like Patton’s mother’s. It was just missing a collection of fancy perfume to make it exactly alike.

Patton walked over to the bed, kicking off his sneakers and sitting on the edge. The comforters were soft, coloured a vibrant red with black roses trailing its edges. It smelled like a house, a family, even if it was simply a bed in a guest bedroom.

Patton closed his eyes.

_“Patton, daddy’s gonna be late coming home tonight, sweetheart. Want me to read you a story?”_

_Patton nuzzled into his mom’s side, handing her a book with his chubby hands. “Mhm.”_

_“What do you want me to read?”_

_“Chester the Raccoon!”_

_His mom giggled. “Okay, darling. Let’s read that.”_

The door opening interrupted the faded but soft memory Patton was replaying. Logan stood in the doorway holding his phone in his hand. He smiled hesitantly at Patton then frowned when Patton didn’t have the energy to smile back.

“Are you feeling all right?” Logan asked.

Patton barely was able to force a smile on his face. “I’m swell, kiddo. Just tired. You wanna share or want me to take the floor?”

“I could always take the floor,” Logan offered.

“Not an option,” Patton said.

“We can share then,” Logan said, pulling off his shoes. “I used to sleep on the floor a lot as a kid though, so I promise I won’t mind if you’d like me to sleep on the floor.”

“No,” Patton said. “Not an option, kiddo.” Then he frowned. “Did you like to sleep on the floor? Because if you prefer the floor-”

“I never preferred it,” Logan said. “However, I didn’t mind it. When I didn’t do well in school my mom would lock my bedroom and cover the couches with a tarp so I had to sleep on the floor.”

Patton felt his heart ache and he reached out, squeezing Logan’s hands. “Thank you for trusting me enough to share that.”

Logan looked down, cheeks reddening. “Thank you for always being so willing to listen.”

Patton smiled and the two broke away, getting ready to sleep, having borrowed pyjamas from Virgil. The pyjamas were amusingly short on Logan and Patton made sure to snap a photo to send to Roman. Then he laid down, closing his eyes, finding his heart feeling unbearably heavy.

He didn’t really quite have a home anymore and he hadn’t had one in a while; for some reason, staying at someone else’s made his heart ache for one more than ever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm a moron and accidentally posted this update to my Micro Fics collection... Yep. I'm an idiot. Sorry for any confusion.

**Tuesday, July 11 th 2017**

_Patton was sobbing. He couldn’t stop sobbing. His mom had him gathered in her warm and safe arms but no matter how hard Patton tried to stop being such a sissy and stop crying, he couldn’t. Snot dripped from his nose and he rubbed his face with his flushed hands and hiccupped. His mom just rubbed his back, planting a soft kiss against his cheek._

_“Patton, darling, it’s all right.”_

_Patton took a great and shuddering breath. “Kimberly c-called me stupid and pushed me off the bus.”_

_“Did you tell your bus driver?”_

_“No,” Patton whined._

_“I’ll give him a call. Daddy’ll be home soon, pumpkin and we’ll have a talk, okay?”_

_“Am in trouble?” Patton asked, more tears welling up in his eyes at the thought._

_“Of course not. We just need to talk.”_

“Pat. Patton. Wake up, dude. Your alarm’s been going off for five minutes now.”

Patton whimpered, hugging his pillows tighter to himself but reality was becoming sharper and the pillows were no longer his mom and he wasn’t on their little red sofa, he was in a bed in Virgil’s guest room. Virgil stood over him holding a blaring alarm. Patton jerked up and switched it off. He groaned and flopped back against the pillows.

“Where’s Logan?” Patton mumbled sleepily.

“Nerding out over some ancient book with my mom,” Virgil said with an eye roll. “They’ve been exchanging analyses for an hour now.” Virgil settled down, crossing his legs and giving Patton a hesitant smile. “You looked like you were having a good dream.”

Patton nodded. “It was pretty good. You sleep okay, kiddo?”

Virgil shook his head. “Kept thinking about Smokey. The Vet called and they’re gonna do the surgery today so I need to be at the vet by 12:00 pm. My dad’s taking off work to drive me.”

“She’s gonna be okay,” Patton said.

Virgil gave a hesitant smile. “Don’t say things that might not be true.”

Patton nudged him gently. “Don’t worry too much.”

Virgil laughed. “Not worried at all.” He took a deep breath. “So, there’s Ego waffles downstairs if you wanna grab breakfast before you have to go to work. And uhm, so my mom was wondering, just my mom, she likes you and Logan for some dumb reason, and was wondering if you’d wanna spend a couple more nights~ I can totally give you gas money and you don’t gotta if you don’t want to-”

“I’ll stay as long as you need,” Patton said gently.

“Thanks,” Virgil said, cracking another smile. “I’ll let you get ready or whatever.” With that he stood up and walked out of the room, shutting it with a quiet click behind him.

Patton pulled one of the pillows back against his chest, breathing in deeply. God, he missed his parents. He missed them _so much_ and apparently, it was one of those days where that longing was going to be strong with no explanation. His fingers trembled, fisting tighter in the pillow. He wanted to lay there for hours, for days, and just dwell and think and pretend that the bed and those pillows were home.

“1…2…3…” Patton chanted to himself and jerked himself up, forcing on a wide smile and wiping away any traces of tears gathering in his eyes then shoved on his glasses. He changed from Virgil’s pyjamas into a polo, jeans, and with a heavy, almost unbearably heavy, heart he tugged the usual cardigan over his shoulders; he smiled once more in the mirror and headed down the stairs.

Logan and Grace were chatting over two half-full cups of coffee, eyes glinting in fascination with each other. Virgil sat at the table over his own cup of coffee and rolling his eyes. It was normal besides the person who was _freaking Roman_ standing with a huge grin on his face and arms spread out dramatically as if welcoming a long lost friend home.

“Surprise! The light and knight of all of y’all’s lives is here!”

“I am ninety percent sure that entire sentence is a grammatical mess,” Logan quipped with a sip from his coffee and Virgil snorted, the whipped cream he’d piled on top of his drink flying across the table.

Patton grinned, feeling his heart leap with joy and he flung himself into Roman’s chest, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. Roman let out a loud grunt at the tight pressure but Patton felt his chest shaking with laughter and he knew it was okay.

“Didn’t realise you missed me _that_ much, Padre,” Roman said between snickers as Patton peeled himself away from his friend.

“Of course we did!” Patton exclaimed offended that Roman would even doubt it. “Haven’t we?” he asked looking at Virgil who was smirking.

“Not much.”

“Oh, please, Hot Topic, I bet you weep at night over my pictures, wishing, “ _God, I’d give anything for Prince Roman to return,”_ don’t you?”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. You’re unbearable on a good day.”

Roman walked over, smacking his hand over Virgil’s hair lightly and laughing. “You love me.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Princey.”

Patton walked over to the stove where a box of blueberry waffles sat and he pulled out two, putting them in the toaster. Logan took a sip of his coffee then said, “How was your trip here, Roman?”

“Delightful. No one made me suffer through My Chemical Depression or whatever that stuff is.”

“Well, you’re roomies with me until you decide to head back to your mom’s and I like to listen to a lot of music,” Virgil said with a flash in his eyes.

“Well, who wants to help carry my luggage up?”

“Luggage?” Grace asked with a slightly alarmed look in her eyes.

Roman walked into the living room and picked up two huge bags, stuffed and stretching the fabric to the point they looked close to ripping.

“I suppose this’ll last me for four days or so, I guess. I had to leave some things to make room for my nail polish sets.” He let out a long sigh. “I had to leave my favourite sash.”

Grace was still staring, mouth parted in slight horror. “That’s for… four days?”

“Mom, he’s ridiculously extra.”

“I know, you’ve said, but…” She broke out into a smile and stood. “Sorry, I’m being rude, Roman. I’ll help you get your stuff upstairs.”

“Oh, I appreciate the offer, however, I was hoping Patton would help.”

“Oh, of course, kiddo!” Patton said, eager to please and help his friend. He wasn’t quite prepared for the weight that was in only one of the bags when he picked it up and began making his way up the stairs. It was like Roman had packed for a six-month vacation, not a few days at a friend’s house.

“Just set it beside Hot Topic’s bed,” Roman said, coming up behind Patton. Patton let out a little sigh of relief as he dropped the bag and adjusted his glasses on his sweaty nose.

“Yeesh, you sure do pack a lot of stuff, kiddo,” Patton commented with a laugh.

Roman grinned. “Always good to be prepared.” He unzipped one of the bags and pulled out a stuffed Ziploc freezer bag full of makeup products. He put a finger to his lips and grinned once again. “Now, I think it’s a pretty accurate assumption to say that all this isn’t natural beauty. And I’m really good at it too.” Roman opened the bag and pulled out a smaller brush and some form of a concealer stick.

He kicked Virgil’s swivel chair and pulled it up to the dresser and sat down. He leaned in and began working at the bottom of his eyes and almost like magic, his light under eye bags began to vanish.

“How’ve you been, Pat? You look a little tired today,” Roman asked, still carefully swiping the brush across his under eye.

Patton awkwardly stuffed his hands in his pockets and smiled. “Everyone’s doing great! I’m just glad Virge is letting us come over and help him out.”

“Hmm,” Roman hummed. “Well, that’s a great answer to a question I didn’t ask.”

Patton knew the drill; asking what Roman meant would make Roman repeat the original question. It would cause further worry when Patton refused to give a straight answer. So he just laughed awkwardly, glanced at his phone, and pretend to be surprised.

“Oh, shootety-shoot! I’m gonna be late for work. I’ll see ya, Roman.”

Roman smiled. “See ya, Patton. Maybe we all can grab dinner together tonight if Virgil’s feeling up for it. Or tomorrow even.”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea, Roman! You’re so smart.”

Roman’s smile brightened. “Why, thank you, Patton.”

With that, Patton ducked out of the room and headed out to his car where he could finally let the smile drop and let out a long, tired sigh. He hated sad days; there was nothing to be sad over and yet… he was sad.

-*-

 **V** **irgil** **(2:45 pm):** Smokey made it through surgery.

 **Virgil** **(2:46 pm):** we get to leave soon.

 **Patton (2:49 pm):** That’s great, kiddo! Keep me updated.

 **Virgil** **(2:50 pm):** hey, btw, are u okay? You seemed distant this morning

 **Patton (2:51 pm):** I’m great! Are you okay? :)

 **Virgil** **(2:55 pm):** I’m stressed out of my mind. but im okay. <3

 **Patton (2:55 pm):** Love ya!!!! <3

-*-

Patton often felt like his cubicle was too isolated. He used to sit in between two wonderful and chatty people; Samantha, a young woman with two kids and a degree she never used, and Rafael, a single 45-year-old man who always laughed at Patton’s jokes and asked him how he was doing. Sometime at the end of 2016, Samantha had quit to pursue a better job opportunity and Rafael was laid off.

Now he sat between two empty cubicles the company had been unable to fill. The office was unbearably quiet despite the chatter and sounds of phones ringing and people tapping on their keyboards. Each day was becoming more and more lonely to be at work; Patton constantly had to remind himself that work was not the place to expect to be happy.

When he finally got off work, he rubbed a tired hand down his face and smiled at his coworkers as he walked down to the elevator. Before he could push the button, one of his coworkers ran up to him, panting and looking frantic; Rachel. She was fairly new to the company and a genius. She’d graduated high school at fifteen and had been working for her

“Patton. Patton!” she yelled. He jerked and turned to her; she looked properly terrified.

“Hey,” he said soothingly. “What’s wrong, Rachel?”

She burst into tears. “They laid me off,” she whimpered.

“Aw, no, kiddo,” he said softly. Her head fell against his chest and she began to sob. He made soothing noises in the back of his throat, gently running a hand over her back.

“They’re getting rid of so many good employees, Patton,” she said. “This company is going into a damned ditch. I’d leave. Quit and find better opportunities.”

“Don’t worry about me,” he said with a gentle smile.

“Someone’s gotta.” She sniffled and pulled her self away, wiping her eyes. “I’m sorry for coming at you like that.”

“No need to be sorry,” Patton said and squeezed her shoulder. “Good luck, Rachel.”

“Thanks, Patton. Good luck to you too.”

The two went down the elevator together then went their separate ways. Patton felt uneasy as he walked through the parking lot, an action he’d done mindlessly so many times before, but it suddenly felt far more challenging than before. The darkness of the evening felt looming, the soft wind in his hair felt teasing and cruel. The world felt heavy against his chest as he went to simply open his car door.

**Prince Roman is calling!**

Patton jerked at the sudden ringtone blaring through the car. He firmly shut his door then swiped to answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Patton! It’s Roman.”

“I assumed,” Patton said with a laugh, starting up his car.

“Just an FYI, Logan’s working late tonight so I can pick him up if you don’t care.”

“Yeah, sure. Just make sure he eats something.”

Roman laughed through the phone. “Dude, you’re unbearably commendable, you know that?”

Patton didn’t feel very commendable; he just laughed softly. “I’m gonna pack some of mine and Logan’s clothes and stuff up and take them to Virgil’s, so don’t worry about stopping by the dorms, okay?”

“Gotchya. Hey, you sound awfully tired.”

“Long day at work,” Patton said.

“Mmm. I’m not scheduled until Thursday so, can’t relate. I’m enjoying my relaxation time.”

“Well, heck, you should be; you deserve it.”

“Thanks, Patton. I’m gonna let you go so you can head to the dorms before it’s too late.”

“Thanks. Talk to ya later, kiddo.”

“Bye.”

“Bye!” Patton hung up with a tired sigh. Then he pulled out of the parking lot.

-*-

It took about an hour for Patton to get the stuff from the dorm then head back to Virgil’s house. It began raining as soon as Patton pulled into the driveway and a loud clap of thunder had Patton laying his head back against the seat with a slightly frustrated sigh. It was an unbearable cliché; rain on a day Patton was sad. But sometimes life just makes clichés and Patton felt like he lived a large portion of his life in a language of clichés.

He was born on a bright and sunny day by a mother glowing from head to toe with happiness. He had a cliché happy family; a stay-at-home mom and hard-working dad who loved him deeply and dearly. They went to church on Sundays and sometimes Saturdays. His mom and dad went on dates every Friday and Patton stayed with a babysitter named Leigh who had a stuffed bear name Roger who Patton loved.

The darker parts were also bathed in clichés. When his mom had her miscarriage, it snowed on their little house in the suburbs and made everyone feel twenty times number than before. When Patton’s parents died, it rained and rained and didn’t stop until three days after the funeral. When the family dog finally kicked the bucket and died it rained some more.

Patton began associating sunshine with joy and rain with sadness. And Patton could barely think of a single rainy day where he has been happy.

Patton let out a grumpy sigh and pushed open the car door and ran to the front step, rain pelting on his hair until he reached the cover of the house. He shifted the weight of his and Logan’s bag to his other arm and rang the doorbell. Within a minute, Virgil opened the door holding his phone in his other hand, looking worried.

“I was about to call you. The weather’s only supposed to get worse and I dunno… It’s not a great idea for anyone to be on the road.”

“Don’t worry, kiddo. I made it back safely,” Patton said with a smile. “How’s Smokey?”

“She’s in my room. Wanna come see her?”

“Of course I do!” Patton said. He followed Virgil upstairs and tossed the bags into the guest bedroom then made his way into Virgil’s room.

On Virgil’s bed was a big dog bed at the foot of it. Laying on top of the dog bed was a big German Sheppard with part of her left leg hair shaved and covered with a purple and black brace-looking object. Smokey’s ears twitched and she made eye contact with Patton and shifted to sit up, tongue poking out excitedly as her tap began to thrum up and down.

For a moment, Patton forgot all of his sadness and let out a loud squeal. “Oh my GOD, she’s so precious.” Patton lunged over and with all the gentles he could muster, he buried his fingers into the thick browned fur on her rib cage and began rubbing. She sniffed and began licking his triceps.

“I guess,” Virgil said but Patton could see the fondness in Virgil’s eyes. “She’s usually more hyper. She’s just-” Virgil sniffed and then coughed. “She’s just more lethargic. The doctor said it’s normal for her recovery.”

“You’re a precious sweet innocent baby girl, aren’t you?” Patton said in his voice he had specially made for babies and animals. Smokey’s ears perked further and she let out a low, “Woof,” in response.

“She’s a brat,” Virgil said. “She’s showing off for you.”

Patton grinned. “I love dogs,” he said happily.

“Do you now?” Virgil asked sarcastically with a smirk. “I wouldn’t have guessed.”

“I do. I had a puppy when I was little.”

“Oh, yeah? What breed?”

“Dunno, she was a rescue. She had some lab in her though,” Patton said.

“Smokey here’s a rescue too,” Virgil said with a gentle pat on her snout. She nudged his hand when he went to move it and with a big sigh, Virgil went back to patting her. “I got her when I was fourteen.”

“How old’s she now?”

“About eight,” Virgil said quietly. “We got her when she was about three. She’s not too old, but ya know, she’s getting older and… older dogs have a harder time recovering.”

“She’s gonna be just fine, aren’t you, girl?” Patton said, smoothing his hand over her ears. Smokey lifted her paw and placed it on Patton’s wrist looking up with big brown eyes.

“My parents think I need to see my therapist,” Virgil mumbled, sitting down on the edge of the bed and eyeing all the journals across his dresser with distaste. “I don’t think that they realise not everything is gonna trigger me.”

“Well, kiddo… Maybe seeing your therapist would be helpful.”

Virgil sighed. “Maybe.” He fiddled with the end of his sleeves, staring down. “Uh- can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” Patton said.

“When uhm… Never mind. It’s dumb.”

Patton frowned. “I’m sure it’s not,” he promised. “You can ask me anything. I’m judgement free, promise.”

“It’s insensitive.”

“I’m not sensitive,” Patton lied.

Virgil raised an eyebrow but then sighed. “Do you ever feel like you rely too much on something or someone for comfort? And if it was snatched away, you feel like you’d fall apart?”

Patton ran his hands over Smokey, knowing exactly what Virgil was talking about. “Sometimes.”

“Yeah?” Virgil asked, looking a little hopeful- like he wasn’t alone. “I feel like that with Smokey. She’s been here through everything, my breakdowns and my depression and… I don’t wanna lose her. It’s stupid to put so much of your life-worth into one thing because it could go away and you’re left feeling like life isn’t good anymore.”

“Woah, woah, kiddo,” Patton said. “She’s not gone. And that’s not bad- it just shows you care deeply about something and that’s good.”

“I wish I didn’t care,” Virgil snapped, suddenly looking angry. “People who care too much get hurt the most and it’s so dumb. It’s… pathetic.”

Patton swallowed down the lump growing in his throat. “Oh yeah, maybe.”

Realization dawned on Virgil’s face. “Oh, no, I didn’t- I wasn’t talking about you, Pat. I’m just… I’m emotional tonight and I lashed out. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Patton said.

“I have everything in the world to be sorry for,” Virgil grumbled. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay,” Patton said, making sure to make his smile extra big to reassure Virgil.

“Don’t take things like that laying down; get mad at me.”

“You want me to get mad at you?” Patton asked in bemusement.

Virgil rolled his eyes and laughed, lightly punching his shoulder. “I want you to stick up for yourself. Don’t let people be jerks to you- even your friends.”

Patton frowned. “I’m sorry, I don’t… Huh?” Virgil raised a questioning eyebrow and Patton went on, “Sorry, I don’t understand, we’re supposed to forgive, not stay mad or-”

“Forgiveness doesn’t mean taking a beating laying down, dude.” Virgil’s eyes trailed over Patton’s face as if seeing him in a new perspective. Patton didn’t really like being scrutinized like that; even Logan’s gaze at its most intense wasn’t as bad as Virgil’s, staring straight through him. Patton dropped his eyes, focusing on his hands that rested on top of Smokey’s rising and falling chest.

“Ya know? Never mind. It’s not important,” Virgil said with a breezy laugh. “How was work?”

“Oh, it was… work,” Patton said.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Thanks for all the details.”

Patton laughed. “Not much to say; it was just boring.”

Virgil hummed in agreement and scooted over, leaning over to give a quick kiss to Smokey’s nose. “What’s the thing you rely on for comfort?”

“Oh, I dunno. I was mostly talking about the past.”

“The past, huh?” Virgil sounded disbelieving.

Patton continued running his hands through Smokey’s fur and didn’t respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //Warnings: allusions to rape, sexual assault, and abuse.

**Wednesday, July 12 th 2017**

Patton awoke slowly to the sound of arguing. Sleepily, he reached for his phone and checked the time. 5:02 am. Logan was still asleep beside him, arm wrapped around one of the pillows with a slight frown pressed into his brow. Patton had a feeling that he was beginning to wake but still trying to keep himself from reaching a state of full awareness. Patton shoved asides his covers and stood up, walking over to the door as quietly as possible. As he cracked it open, straining his ears, he realized it really wasn’t quite arguing; he heard Virgil softly grumbling to Roman and with a slight startle, he realized he was the topic of conversation.

“-worried about him. He’s been acting sad lately,” Virgil said.

“I noticed. His smile doesn’t really look as genuine,” Roman said. “Maybe he’s just sad about the dog. Patton’s that kind of person.”

“Maybe…” Virgil didn’t sound convinced.

“Or maybe not. Maybe you should ask him.”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

“I dunno… you two seem closer.”

“Please. That’s not true,” Virgil said. “Patton’s close to everyone he knows… Or. As close as he lets them believe. You know, I don’t really know much about him now that I think about it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Patton doesn’t share. He seems open and honest all the time but I know just about nothing about him.”

“I’m sorry, Virgil, I’m not following.”

“I mean-”

“Is there an intruder?” Patton yelped, slamming the door shut and turning around to see Logan, glasses crookedly placed on his nose and eyes dazed and unfocused. Roman and Virgil had abruptly stopped talking and Patton swallowed, suddenly feeling sweaty and nervous.

“A- uh, a what, kiddo?”

Logan straightened his glasses and ran his eyes up and down Patton. “You seemed nervous and appeared to be listening for something. I assumed there might be an intruder.”

“Oh, no. It’s all good. Go back to sleep.”

“Why were you listening at the door?”

Patton sucked in a breath just as three short knocks were heard at the door behind Patton. Virgil’s voice rang out. “Hey, everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Patton replied. “Just uh,” he swung open the door, “had to use the bathroom and Logan startled me.”

Virgil stood wearing sweatpants and a baggy purple shirt, arms crossed. Roman stood beside him still dressed. “Oh,” Virgil said.

“Why is everyone awake at,” Logan glanced at his phone, “5:10? We still have time to sleep. Am I missing something?”

Roman shook his head. “Nah, you’re not missing anything, Nerd. Virgil and I were just up sharing juicy gossip.”

Virgil winced. “I beg of you, don’t use the words ‘juicy gossip’ and my name in a sentence again.”

Roman winked. “Your secret is safe with me.”

Virgil reached over and punched his shoulder. “We’re gonna wake my parents up if we don’t hush up.”

“We should take this downstairs then,” Roman said.

“Or we could take it back to bed,” Logan mumbled, running a hand over his eyes. “I am exhausted.”

“I don’t think that first sentence means what you think it means,” Virgil said. Roman slapped a hand over his mouth, just barely stifling loud giggles.

Logan raised an eyebrow. “I do not… understand.”

“C’mon, let’s just go downstairs. I’m not going to bed anyway,” Roman said, nearly bouncing on his heels, energy seeming to radiate off his body.

“Kiddos, sleep is important,” Patton said hesitantly.

“But so are the chocolates I brought downstairs calling my name,” Roman said.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “We’ll be down in a minute, Princey.”

Roman pumped his fist and quietly took off, creeping down the stairs. Virgil rolled his eyes again and sighed. “He’s so high strung, sometimes it’s ridiculous. You guys can go back to bed if you’d like; I’ll entertain him.”

“No, it’s fine,” Patton said with a smile. “I’m wide awake anyway.”

“I suppose I am not as tired as I thought,” Logan added.

Virgil nodded. “Kay. Let’s go.” The three crept down the stairs quietly, making sure not to make the steps creak. “Thank God my parents are heavy sleepers,” Virgil mumbled as they reached the end of the steps and Logan walked off to sit on one of the couches in the living room.

“You never went to the bathroom,” Virgil noted quietly and peeked at Patton subtly as he walked over and grabbed a mug from one of the cabinets.

“Oh I- don’t have to go anymore,” Patton said.

Virgil hummed in acceptance. “I appreciate you staying, Patton. It’s… uhm. Comforting having you guys around.”

Patton smiled, feeling warmth spreading in his chest. “You don’t have to thank me, kiddo. I’m just glad to be able to… help. In any way.”

Virgil smiled softly, pouring milk into the mug and walking over the table, setting it down then taking a seat. Patton sat next to him. Roman, humming quietly, made his way over as he held a box of chocolates. He sat down beside Patton and popped one of the chocolates in his mouth.

“These are great.” He offered the box out to Patton. “Want one?”

Patton reached over and picked up one drizzled in caramel. “Thank you.”

“Hey, Nerd-io,” Roman said, “want a-” He cut himself off, seeing Logan leaning against the back of the couch, legs tucked under himself, and eyes shut peacefully. Roman grinned. “Nevermind,” he said, lowering his voice considerably.

“Want me to make coffee?” Virgil asked.

“Sure, Hot Topic,” Roman said, biting into another and making a completely inappropriate groaning noise, enough to make Virgil shoot him a look of annoyance.

“I’ll make you hot chocolate,” Virgil said, looking back at Patton.

Patton smiled. “Thanks, kiddo.”

Virgil got to work and Patton laid his chin in his palm, watching the clock on the stove switch to 5:22. Patton could remember nights when he’d have a nightmare back at his house and stumble into his mom and dad’s room, whining loudly, tears running down his face. His mom would ask him if he wanted a hot chocolate and he’d always say yes. His dad would gently ruffle his hair and turn around to go back to sleep; Patton knew it was just because he had to get up early.

His mom would take his hand in hers and walk him downstairs; she’d have him sit at the table as she began making a thing of hot chocolate. Hers was a mix of hot milk, chocolate syrup, a little bit of cocoa powder, whipped cream, and a little sprinkle of brownie on top. Brownies she’d made the night before. As she worked, Patton would watch the clock. He’d watch as it grew later and in his little brain, he wondered why his mom was so willing to stay up late with him.

“It’s what mommies do,” she had said with a kiss to his forehead.

When she died and Patton awoke in the middle of the night, tears raw against his face from nightmares, he had no one to wake up to make him hot chocolate. But he was a big boy who didn’t need someone to make it for him. So he crept downstairs and opened the cabinets quietly to make a cup himself. He grabbed a mug and milk and syrup and cocoa powder and whipped cream but- there weren’t any brownies. So Patton fell to the floor and wept loudly.

Everyone called him spoiled. “He’s eleven years old and he cries because there are no brownies. What a brat.” The words only made Patton cry harder; it made him feel like they were being mean about his mom and dad. They hadn’t spoiled Patton. They’d just done what mommies and daddies were supposed to do. So Patton started making brownies at eleven years old for the kids in the orphanage who maybe didn’t get to experience what mommies and daddies were supposed to do. The kids didn’t like Patton but they liked his brownies.

“Earth to Patton?” Patton blinked hazily to see Virgil gently snapping his fingers in front of Patton’s face. He smiled softly to which Virgil returned hesitantly. “Sure you’re not tired?”

“I’m sure,” Patton said, working through the rubber in his tight throat. Virgil set down a mug of hot chocolate in front of Patton; it was made with milk and one of the packets of Hot Chocolate and mini marshmallows and it was nothing like the kind Patton had grown up with. But if Patton learned anything, he learned to be grateful for people’s acts of kindness, no matter how small they were. And he appreciated Virgil’s hot chocolate immensely and for some reason, found tears stinging his eyes in gratitude. He ignored them, pulling the cup up to his mouth and taking a long sip.

“Poor Lo,” Virgil said offhandedly, sitting back down beside Roman who had a cup of coffee in front of him. Patton looked at the clock- 5:40. “How he deals with us, I haven’t a clue.”

“We’re impossible not to love,” Roman said with a grin.

“Impossible isn’t quite the word,” Logan mumbled from the couch and everyone froze. Then Roman smirked and let out a quiet laugh.

“Oh, c’mon, Logical Disaster. You’d be lost without us.”

Logan’s response was just a sigh and smashing his face against the pillows of the couch.

-*-

When Patton made his way to his desk he saw his boss standing there and he felt his heart slowly wedging its way into his stomach. _Maybe she just wants to talk about… things. A project. Something._

“Hello, Patton,” she said softly. “How has your morning gone?”

“It’s been great,” Patton said, figuring she didn’t want to hear about his lack of sleep and how his car had to be jumped by Roman before he could head off to work. “How are you doing?”

“Good. Can we step into my office for a moment?”

Patton could recognise where the conversation was going a mile away but he still yet stepped into her office. He watched her slip out a thick folder. He watched how gentle and careful she was; her tone was soft and cautious. His ears felt like they were full of cotton as she said that the company was going in a different direction and that they had to make some difficult changes. Patton’s heart felt as if it were sinking into the floor.

He shook her hand and took the papers then promised him to make him aware of any openings he could fill in the future. Patton tried to control his breathing and the tears choking at his throat as he gathered up the things at his desk.

Once safely in his car, Patton leaned against the steering wheel and let out a quiet whimper. He felt like the world was falling apart; it wasn’t. Everything was normal and fine. He’d just lost his job, no big deal. He was young; he could land on his feet again. He was going to be fine.

None of those thoughts soothed him; Patton burst into tears. God, why was life so _stinking unfair_? Patton gripped the steering wheel and desperately tried to jerk the thoughts away from himself. He was being stupid, silly, and selfish. There were people who were actually suffering while Patton was whining over a lost job.

**Prince Roman is calling!**

Patton desperately wiped away his tears and took a few deep breaths before answering the phone with a cheery, “Hey, kiddo!”

“Hey, Pat. I know you’re at work right now but I was wondering if you wanted to meet for lunch or something.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet of you, Roman!” Patton said, feeling his heart warming at the simple act of being invited to eat lunch with someone.

“I know.”

Patton grinned. “I’d love to. Where did you wanna meet?”

“Mmm, maybe the pizza place two miles from here?”

“Two miles from where you are or-”

“No, two miles from you.”

“Oh, that sounds good. What time?”

“12:30?”

“Sounds good. I uhm…” Patton trailed off. “See you there.”

“See you. Hey, you okay?” Patton could hear the concern in Roman’s voice. “You sound a little… tired.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s it. Just tired.”

“Sorry we kept you up half the night-”

“No, it’s fine!” Patton laughed. “I woke up on my own anyhow.”

“That’s good. I’m gonna let you get back to work, Patton. Catch you later.”

“Bye, Roman.”

“Hola! Oh wait, that’s hello… Uh, bye!”

Patton laughed and ended the call. He took a deep breath and started up the ignition.

-*-

_When Patton turned sixteen he began dating a boy named Noah. Noah consistently told Patton four words: “You’re home to me.” It always made Patton feel like his stomach was soaring to hear those words. “You’re home to me.”_

_“You’re home to me too,” Patton said._

_Patton thought he was going to marry Noah just because they loved each other so much. Noah was home. Even if Noah got a little angry sometimes and would grab Patton just a little too hard or he’d yell and scare Patton when he was angry, it was okay because they were in love. When Patton graduated, Noah told Patton they could finally get married. Noah didn’t have to worry about his stupid parents anymore._

_They eloped._

_Two kids with only a high school diploma to their names married and shared an apartment for two years. Noah spent Patton’s money he’d gotten from his inheritance on gambling and alcohol. Patton went to a job he hated and cried in the bathrooms when he got home. When Noah came home it was always, “You’re home to me.” Then Noah would drag Patton to bed and Patton would never say no because no meant screaming and fighting and sometimes getting thrown to the ground or spat on or cornered or-_

_At twenty-one years old, Patton got out and divorced Noah with a decent amount of cooperation. Then Patton finally settled into college and got a job at a place that didn’t make him entirely miserable. But every single day he found himself wondering, “Would mom and dad be proud?”_

_Patton felt like he’d wasted half of his life in submission, never quite daring to say no to anyone. And sometimes, Patton still felt like he was stuck in the never-ending cycle._

-*-

“Eyy, Daddy P is here!”

Patton grinned upon seeing Roman sitting at a table waiting for him, surprised to see Logan and Virgil sitting down as well. Virgil’s lip curled as soon as Roman spoke.

“Please do not ever call him that again,” Logan said with a sigh.

“What’s everyone doing here?”

“I thought we all should get some time to hang out together out of Virge’s house because he’s driving himself mad staying there-” Roman started.

“I am _not_ -”

“-and I called everyone up and Logan only had to work half a shift and I’m off ‘til tomorrow and you have an hour lunch.” Roman crossed his arms, smirking, and looking proud of himself.

“Must have taken you a lot of brain power to figure all that out,” Virgil grumbled with an eye roll.

“No,” Roman said, throwing a hand over his chest dramatically. “I’m just a natural born genius.”

Logan raised an eyebrow. “Are you quite sure of that?”

“Certain.”

Logan simply sat back looking sceptical. “How has work gone, Patton?”

“Ohh, it’s uhm…” Patton found himself fumbling over his words. He didn’t want to lie but he- he couldn’t say the truth. Everyone was looking at him the longer he was quiet. His cheeks began to flush.

“I take it it’s not been great?” Virgil asked then taking a long drink from his water glass.

“Well…” To his mortification, Patton suddenly felt tears stinging at his eyes. _Oh no, not here, no_.

Roman’s face melted into alarm. “Oh dear, that bad?”

“Uhm…” Patton rushed to wipe his eyes. “Uhm- it’s not been great.” He forced a smile. “They laid me off.”

Roman looked crushed while Virgil was gazing at him sympathetically. Logan stared resolutely at his glass but Patton could practically hear the gears working in Logan’s head as his friend tried to process the situation and how to react appropriately.

“That sucks,” Virgil said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all good,” Patton said. “I’ll… I just have to start looking again, ya know? It happens.”

“Yes,” Logan said slowly. “I am willing to be of any assistance that I can possibly be. I have several useful websites and articles that might be beneficial. I can email them to you if you’d like.”

“That’d be great, kiddo, thanks.”

“Well,” Roman said with a small huff of a laugh. “I suppose we’ve got all the time in the world for lunch now.”

Patton giggled. “We sure do!”

“May I say something?” Logan asked.

Roman raised an eyebrow. “You don’t need permission, Specs.”

Logan sighed. “I am looking forward to getting back into classes. I miss the structure and routine of having classes each weekday.”

“I don’t,” Roman said with a laugh. “I like living life on the fly. Classes ruin that.”

“Oh, you can’t wander around like a moron 24/7 with classes. What a tragedy,” Virgil drawled.

“I think Roman just misses being on stage,” Patton said, smiling wide.

Virgil snorted. “He’s going through withdrawal.”

“Hush, Hot Topic. You’d be scratching your skin off if you went more than an hour without listening to your stupid emo bands.”

Logan laughed, genuine and loud and Patton found his heart soaring; this is what he lived for. His friends being happy.

“What’re you laughing at?” Virgil asked. “We practically have to chain you down to keep you from studying all hours of the day.”

“That is a bit of an exaggeration,” Logan protested as Roman snorted and muttered, “Kinky.”

“It’s only a teensy exaggeration,” Patton said.

Logan rolled his eyes. “I’m doing better!”

“Of course you are, kiddo,” Patton soothed.

“Shall we order, comrades?” Roman asked.

“Oh God, why can’t you just call us by our names or something?” Virgil grumbled.

Roman smirked. “Boring.”

“Boring? Lord. Sometimes it’s nice to be boring and normal,” Virgil said.

“That’d be so boring.”

Virgil groaned as Patton burst into a fit of giggles.

-*-

They made it back to Virgil’s around 4:00 pm to find both of Virgil’s parents’ cars gone and all the lights out. Virgil instantly looked nervous and rushed to the door, Logan spouting reassurances the whole way.

“Virgil, your parents could be out for dinner or perhaps-”

“No, mom would’ve texted me.” His hands were shaking as he shoved his keys into the lock. “What if-”

Roman reached out, steadying Virgil’s hands and gently twisted the knob to open the door. “Deep breaths, Hot Topic.”

“I don’t hear Smokey-” Virgil began.

“She’s probably in your room,” Roman said.

“Your house phone appears to have a new message,” Logan said as he squinted down at one of the landline phones.

Virgil rushed over and pressed a few buttons until a mechanical voice spoke, “ _You have one new message, sent today at 3:21 pm._ ” Then Grace’s voice was heard through the phone, “Hey, Virgil! This is mom. So Smokey got loose a little bit ago and your dad went out to get her and you know, her leg’s not in good shape… She got hit. We’re taking her to the vet right now.” Patton heard Virgil’s breath catch. “Don’t worry, sweetie, I think she’s gonna be okay. I’ll call you on your cell phone if I don’t hear from you before five. I don’t wanna cut your lunch short, I know you deserve to have a good time. Love you. Bye.”

The line clicked then the call ended and Virgil stood, holding the phone with a slack hand as he trembled. Roman gently slipped it from his hands and pushed him to sit on the sofa. “Virgil,” Roman commanded as Virgil continued to tremble and stare blankly. “Virgil.”

“I can’t lose her. Holy shit, I can’t lose her-”

“You cannot be certain you’re going to lose her,” Logan said quietly. “You should call your mother and get an update.”

“I can’t lose her,” Virgil choked out again with a shuddering gasp.

“Call your mom,” Roman said in the same commanding tone.

“You’re not the boss of me,” Virgil snarled.

Roman smirked. “Oh, there he is.” Virgil scowled but a small smile poked at his lips. “Just call her okay?”

Virgil took another deep breath and took out his phone, dialling a number. He placed it against his ear and there was a moment of silence. Then he asked quietly, “Hey mom. What’s going on?”

 A few seconds later, Virgil’s expression dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a tough time coming. Anyway, feedback always fuels me! :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //warnings for death. this entire chapter deals a lot with death.

**Thursday, July 13 th 2017**

_“I’m so disappointed.”_

_Patton’s stomach dropped. “Mom?”_

_“You’ve wasted your life. You’re not the son we raised. You should be better?”_

_“How?” Patton begged._

_“Figure it out,” his dad said, eyes cold and steely. Patton’s heart sank and he felt he couldn’t live another second with the shame-_

“Hey, Patton, sweetie, it’s past noon.”

Groggily, Patton blinked up to see Grace standing beside the bed with a soft smile on her face. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and dark purple circles smeared under her eyes.

“Hmpf?” Patton mumbled out.

She laughed. “I wanted to let you sleep but it’s past noon. I think it’s time to greet the day.”

Patton wanted to pull the blankets over his face and smother himself with them; he wanted to fall back into a deep sleep and forget everything in the world but he knew that wasn’t possible so he sighed deeply and pushed himself up.

“Is Virgil okay?” he asked.

Grace smiled, her eyes looking dim. “He won’t talk to me.”

“Oh.” Patton crossed his legs and looked at his fingers back up to her face. “How are you?”

“Sad,” she said. “We all loved Smokey.”

“I could tell,” Patton said.

“Well. I have pizza downstairs when you want lunch.”

Patton nodded. “Thank you. I’m just gonna… check on Virge first, if that’s okay.”

“That’s fine.” She sighed. “I’m happy he’s made friends.” She looked embarrassed as if she hadn’t meant to say that. “I just… Thank you for doing so much for him. He talks about you guys nearly every time he calls or visits.”

Patton grinned and got out of bed, reaching for his bag with all of his clothes. “It’s not something we need to be thanked for.”

Grace smiled. “I’ll leave you to get ready. Just. Thank you, Patton.”

“Again, you don’t have to thank me.”

Grace nodded and left the room, shutting the door with a quiet _click_. Patton hated the pathetic loneliness that awoke with him. He took a deep breath and began changing into his clothes, mind unable to stop spinning. Yesterday felt like a blur of… misery.

_No one knew what to do when Virgil hung up with his mom and began to sob. Logan looked completely alarmed; Patton and Roman both rushed to Virgil._

_“What’s the matter?” Roman asked._

_Virgil choked on a sob. “Smokey died, oh my God, she **died**.”_

After getting dressed, Patton made his way into the hall and crept into Virgil’s room. Virgil was laying on his side, legs curled up to his stomach as he stared vacantly at the window. His face was red and flushed, eyes still puffy and red from another crying session. His hoodie was discarded on the floor. It was heartbreaking how a twenty-year-old could look so tiny and young. And sad.

“Virge?” Patton asked hesitantly.

“She was my best friend,” Virgil said. “And that’s stupid, that’s lame, that’s dumb, but it’s true. When it was the end of the damn world for me, I’d sit in bed with her and she’d lick my palms. So stupid. Such a stupid, eager to please dog, but I adored her.”

“I know,” Patton said quietly and shut the door, softly as he could.

“PTSD sucks ass. My therapists taught me grounding techniques and Smokey was always the first thing that could help me remember I was in the present. I’d hold onto her fur until I stopped shaking. She let me do it.”

“She was a good dog.”

“She was more than just a dog,” Virgil grumbled and fresh tears were spilling out of his eyes. Virgil didn’t attempt to wipe them away. “She was… safety. School was a hell ground and I’d come home and play catch with her and she’d remind me I could still smile and laugh and be a normal kid. When I was in the bathroom, ready to die, I heard her pawing at the door and holy shit, that reminded me I wanted to live.”

Patton felt his own eyes filling with tears. “She couldn’t have lived a happier life, kiddo.”

“Maybe she would have if I wasn’t always so miserable. I didn’t play with her enough. Or give her enough belly rubs.”

Patton braved up enough to sit down. He wondered if that was how his dad felt the many times Patton woke up from yet another nightmare and laid in bed crying. Patton wondered if his dad felt the weight of the world on his shoulders, willing to take all the pain to himself just to see the tears fade from the person he loved’s eyes. 

“She was one of the happiest dogs I’d ever seen.”

“Was she?”

“Mhm.” And Patton meant it with every bone in his body. “Maybe she was “just a dog,” but between you and me- I think dogs know more than they let on.” At that, Virgil smiled hesitantly. “She wanted you to be happy. She did all the stuff dogs do, ya know? They love their humans and are loyal to them until it’s not possible to do so anymore. And she loved you. She got to see you grow up and bloom and she’d want you to do keep doing so.”

“She got so sad when I’d have my depressive episodes.” Virgil sniffled and slowly sat up, running a hand through his hair, the action looking like it took all of his energy. “She’d sit right there-” Virgil pointed to the end of the bed, “-and wait. She’d lay her head on my feet. Such a good dog…”

“She was,” Patton said.

“What am I gonna do without her?” Virgil asked. More tears streaked lazily down his face.

Patton took his hand and held it loosely until Virgil was the one to squeeze it. “You’re gonna be okay.”

“I’ve had her since I was fourteen. My life is changing and I keep getting older and it doesn’t stop.” Virgil sucked in an unsteady breath. “It never stops, Patton, and I’m _scared_.”

“It’s okay to be scared,” Patton said. “I promise. I… I am still scared.”

Virgil frowned, searching Patton’s face. “Yeah?”

Patton nodded trying to ignore the thoughts screaming _selfish selfish selfish_ over and over again. “I’m scared that… I’ve wasted a lot of my time. That I’m not doing enough.” _Shut up. Shut up, you moron. Virgil doesn’t need this_.

Virgil laughed. “God, same. Mood.” Then he let out another sob and reached into his bedside table drawer and pulled out a box of tissues. He ripped a tissue from the box and blew his nose into it violently. Patton felt his throat tightening but he forced himself to smile gently and wrapped an arm around Virgil. Virgil carefully pushed himself away from Patton and looked up to his eyes.

“You’re allowed to feel too. You’re allowed to cry too,” Virgil said. “You don’t have to be strong for me. You look… miserable.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Virgil grumbled. “Don’t apologise for things that aren’t your fault.” The words caused Virgil to grimace then he yanked out a tissue and offered it to Patton with a hesitant smile.

With trembling fingers, Patton took it. Tears began to flow; they didn’t stop. Patton and Virgil didn’t say a word, just sat with a box of tissues between them, each locked away in their own thoughts.

-*-

The day passed in a blur. Roman and Logan went off to work and Patton almost burst into tears at having nothing to do, reckless and nervous energy rushing through his body. But when John went off to work, Grace asked Patton and Virgil if they’d be willing to straighten up the garage while she went off to get groceries. Patton was out in a second, helping Virgil eagerly. By the time they were finished, the garage looked brand new.

Then Virgil invited him to bake cookies and Patton did, practically taking over the kitchen. Together the two made two batches of chocolate chip cookies, one batch of butterscotch, and a chocolate cake. Grace walked in as they began to smear vanilla frosting over the top; her eyebrows raised as she admired the food cooling on the table.

“I wasn’t aware we were running a bakery.”

“We got bored,” Virgil said.

Grace laughed. “I’m not complaining.”

Patton and Virgil hung out in Virgil’s room, scrolling through their individual social medias until Roman came in around eight, Logan trailing behind him.

“How’s the world’s best emo doing?” Roman asked, flopping across Virgil’s outstretched legs.

“He’s tired and wants you to get your fat butt off his legs.”

“His butt _is_ pretty thick.”

Virgil rolled his eyes and with a fluid motion, knocked Roman to the floor.

“Are you sure you are all right?” Logan asked hesitantly, perching himself at the edge of the bed.

Virgil finally looked up from his phone and offered Logan a small smile. “I’m… okay. Just sad.”

“That is understandable. I’ve been doing research on the process of grief-” Roman shot Logan a cautioning look. Logan coughed awkwardly. “Perhaps it is an inappropriate time to share.”

Virgil smiled softly. “You’re fine, buddy.”

Logan still looked chastised and embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I know I often talk too much and I am trying to assist but not everyone requires assistance or desires it-”

“Hey. It’s fine,” Virgil said.

“I am just so _bad_ at this, I apologise,” Logan said and let out a deep sigh. “Sorry.” Logan rose. “I am going to… grab some coffee.”

“I’ll come with you!” Virgil said, standing up and shoving his phone into his pocket, trailing behind Logan. The door shut but Patton heard Virgil mumbling something Logan as they headed down the stairs.

Roman and Patton sat in a silence for a few minutes until Roman let out a deep sigh. “I’m tired. How about you, Pat?”

“I suppose I’m pretty tired too,” he said.

Roman smiled. “Yeah. You look tired.”

“I do?”

“Yeah. No offence. Not everyone can look as good as me.”

Patton giggled. “That’s true.”

“My mom found a box of my old journals,” Roman said casually as he eyed all the stacks of Virgil’s journals. “They’re honestly the most dramatic things I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, they were written by you, kiddo,” Patton said. Roman feigned offence, throwing a hand to his chest.

“How _dare_? I am not dramatic.”

“It’s okay, Roman. I love you just the way you are.”

Roman smiled wide, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Can I read you some of the stuff my mom sent me?”

“Of course,” Patton offered, shuffling so he was closer to Roman as his friend began scrolling through his photo gallery.

Roman stopped one particular picture and grinned. “Dear Diary. School is dreadful. Mom says I need to give it a chance. But I don’t like it. They make me eat carrots in the lunchroom. I hate carrots. Bye.”

Patton laughed. “What’s changed?”

“I take personal offence to that.” Roman scrolled and stopped on another picture. “Dear Diary. Someone told me the sky is blue because it wants to be. I disagree. I don’t think the sky has a brain. That person is stupid. I’m not supposed to call people stupid. I should stop being mean. Dearest Condolences, Prince Roman.”

“Condolences?” Patton asked.

“I thought it meant goodbye in a fancy way.” Patton muffled another fit of giggles in his palm as Roman pulled up another photograph. “This one’s a little sad,” Roman said.

“That’s okay.”

“Dear Diary. Dad went to the doctor and they say he has lung cancer. I don’t understand that. I thought only people who smoked cigarettes got lung cancer. But he’s gonna be okay. I’m praying he gets better soon.” Roman swallowed and turned to Patton with a smile and shrug. “Naïveté of children, huh?”

Patton nodded. “Yeah.”

“Children shouldn’t have to go through shit like that,” Roman said quietly. Patton didn’t have the heart to scold him for the language. “My dad. Logan’s stupid parents. Virge’s cousin. Your parents…” Roman trailed off and sighed. “It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not,” Patton said quietly. He found himself picking at his fingernails, suddenly feeling helpless. He wanted to provide something comforting to say but he was drawing a blank. He could only think of himself, as a small child, curled up with his stuffed Pluto toy to his chest as he sobbed because his parents would never tell him goodnight again.

“Death is like going to a dinner party and the lights shut off,” Roman said, reading off another photo. “The party continues. You’re scared because the lights are off and the room’s dark and you’ve got no one to guide you. Everyone’s laughing as if the lights are still on but it’s only because they’ve got people’s hands to hold.” Roman took a deep breath and then continued. “Your hand is empty and you’re alone and you’re scared. You’ve just gotta find someone to hold your hand. But the person you want to find, the person who’s held your hand your entire life, has left the room and locked the doors.” Roman turned his screen off with a deep sigh.

“That’s beautiful,” Patton choked out.

“I wrote it two years after my dad’s funeral,” Roman said. “I took up poetry and I think I got called gay for it more than I was swooned over for it, but eh.”

“You’re very talented.”

Roman smiled. “Thanks. I don’t usually like to share it with people.”

“Thank you for showing it to me,” Patton said.

“How did you grieve?” Roman asked.

“Me?”

“Who else is here?”

Patton laughed, feeling like it was the most plastic sound to ever exit his mouth. “No one.”

“Then, yes, you.”

Patton looked down. “I cried. A lot.”

Roman snorted. “Me too.”

“And kids would always ask at school what my mom and dad were like and I’d have to tell them. It was like…” Patton frowned. “I dunno. It was like re-opening a cut each time.”

Roman nodded. “I still miss my dad, like, every day.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What about you?” Roman asked. “Does it ever just… hit you? Randomly? How much you just… _miss_ them?”

Patton swallowed down the lump in his throat and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Like… lately?”

Patton squeezed his eyes shut, feeling tears congregating and pushing desperately for him to open his eyes and just let them fall. He felt a thumb gently swipe at the area under his eye then draw itself away.

“I’ve noticed,” Roman murmured. “You stare at Grace and John like… like you’re longing. And Patton, sweetheart, why do you lock it all up? You never talk about the stuff that’s bothering you with anyone.”

Patton let out a sob and shakily fumbled his hand up, wiping away tears. He felt his nose beginning to stuff up and his cheeks flush. He hated crying because it was so easy to do but so hard to recover from.

“I dunno, Roman. I dunno.”

“I’m not attacking you,” Roman said softly. “I’m just… worried.”

“You don’t have to worry about silly ol’ me.”

Roman laughed. “Someone’s got to.”

“No-”

“Patton.” Patton snapped his mouth shut. “You’re worth worrying over.”

“Shut up.” Patton couldn’t control the wobble in his voice. “Roman, please stop.”

“I will if you really want me to.” Patton covered his mouth and felt his shoulders shaking with barely suppressed sobs.

“I don’t know.”

“Okay.”

“You just…” Patton rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “You don’t need to worry. I’m… okay.”

“Patton?”

“Hm.”

“That’s a lie.”

Patton flinched. “Roman, I’m sorry, I need- I need to go.” Patton stood up and tried to ignore the hurt look on Roman’s face as he rushed out of the room. He ran down the stairs, two at a time, passed through the kitchen where Logan and Virgil both gave him perplexed looks.

“What’s the matter?” Virgil asked. He frowned. “Are you _crying_?”

“I’m just going out for a little bit,” Patton said.

Logan stood up with a frown. “Patton, it’s almost nine-”

“Yeah, what the hell?” Virgil asked.

“I just need to… get some air.”

“Patton-”

Patton made it to the front door and practically bolted to his car once outside. He yanked open the door, jumped in, started the engine, and began to drive. Going down the road, he ignored the constant vibrations from his phone in his pocket. He ignored the text tones going off. He drove until he reached a gas station parking lot.

_You’ve just gotta find someone to hold your hand. But the person you want to find, the person who’s held your hand your entire life, has left the room and locked the doors._

Patton shut off the car, leaned against the steering wheel, and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so absolutely sorry for all the wait I make y’all go through. I take forever to write anything. I’m not sure how I feel about this chapter. It feels too… expected. Predictable. But then again, I’ve wrote over six drafts of this chapter and if I write another, I will never finish this stupid story. (I say stupid story~ I don’t mean it. This story just began to hit me harder lately and it’s a little rough writing. Idk why.) Anyway, again, I’m so sorry! Two more chapters and we’ll be done. *Phew* Feedback is always nice!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //Warnings: Mentions of death. Abuse. There’s some sensual/sexual content (absolutely no smut though). Gaslighting. Manipulation. Also, disassociation. I think that’s it but if there is absolutely anything else let me know.

**Friday, July 14 th 2017**

**Virgil** **(10:01 pm):** Yo, wtf?

 **Loggy Bear (10:01 pm):** You looked quite distressed when you left and I am currently excessively concerned for your wellbeing. Please contact Virgil, Roman, or I. It does not matter which.

 **Virgil (10:01 pm):** u okay????

 **Virgil (10:04 pm):** hey just text or call us pls we’re worried.

 **Prince Roman (10:05 pm):** pattoon im so so forry i didn’t mean to upset u, i didn’t

 **Prince Roman (10:06 pm):** if i hurt ur feelings u can punch me, i promise

 **Virgil (10:20 pm):** even logans worried

 **Virgil (10:21 pm):** im serious, you don’t have to explain, just call so I know ur not gonna like… kill yourself or something

 **Patton (11:49 pm):** I’m okay.

 **Virgil (11:49 pm):** ARE YOU SHITTING ME???

 **Virgil (11:50 pm):** over an HOUR patton

 **Virgil (11:50 pm):** AN HOUR

 **Virgil (11:51 pm):** Call me

 **Patton (11:52 pm):** I’m sorry.

 **Virgil (11:52 pm):** Call me please.

Patton took a deep breath and sat up from his slump against the steering wheel, wiping his eyes. He felt like the past hour had gone by in a daze. Rain began to pelt on his windshield and Patton almost burst into tears again. He hated rain. He hated storm clouds. He hated the world wasn’t bright and pretty like it felt like it should be.

Patton’s phone began to buzz from his hand. He looked down.

**Virgil is calling!**

“Hello?” he said.

“I’m going to straight up murder you, Patton. You sound _awful_.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry,” Virgil said. Patton heard a frantic voice in the background asking, “Is that Patton?” Roman. How could Patton have been so selfish? He had barely considered how much it might hurt Roman for him to just up and run away from him. “Patton? Are you okay? I mean- no. That’s dumb. You’re not. Are you safe?”

“Yeah,” Patton said.

“Where are you? We’re coming.”

“You don’t need to come, kiddo-”

“Yes, I do. You sound like you’re half-dead. Where are you?”

“Gas station.”

“Thanks for being specific,” Virgil snapped as Logan added in the background, “Snapping at him will not be effective, Virgil.”

“The one by your house. It’s only like… a half hour away.”

“You drove for a half hour?” Patton heard a deep breath. “Alright. I know which one you’re talking about I think. Just text me the address or road you’re on or whatever so I can put it in Google Maps. Don’t drive.”

“Okay.” Patton tried to ignore that he was practically being treated like an incapable child but maybe he had it coming, storming out like an actual child.

“Patton, I’m sorry for yelling. I’m just… I’ve been panicking. You scared me.”

“I- shouldn’t have done that, Virge, I’m sorry.”

“No, you have the perfect right to go off if you needed space or whatever. I just… would have appreciated you letting us know where you were going.”

“I understand,” Patton said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Forgiven. Forgive me?”

Patton managed a weak smile he knew Virgil couldn’t see through the phone. “Of course.”

“I’m gonna… let you go. We’ll be there in hopefully less than forty minutes. Roman’s driving so it might be like, 2 minutes.”

Patton snorted. “All right. Be safe.”

“You too.”

Patton kept the phone to his ear until he heard the dial tone. He looked up to the gas station and sent Virgil a photograph and the street name through a text. He lowered it to his lap and closed his eyes.

_Noah ran his ringers through Patton’s hair with slow and tender strokes. He pressed his lips down on Patton’s jaw and began trailing kisses down his neck._

_“I love you. You’re so pretty when you’re sad.”_

_Patton’s heart tugged and he met Noah’s lips, trying to forget that his lashes were matted with drying tears and his cheeks were itchy and raw. He tried to ignore the bruises on his wrists from Noah’s tantrum last night. He let himself fall into a haze of Noah’s love. It felt good. It felt nice. It felt hazy and allowed him to float away from reality. He was smothering in haze and he loved it._

_“So pretty,” Noah said. “So so pretty.”_

_“Thanks,” Patton said. Noah grinned and flipped him over, Patton’s head resting on the cushions of the couch. Noah bent down, trailing more kisses on Patton’s lips, jaw, and neck. Patton found himself slowly coming from his initial high, suddenly feeling sick, uncomfortable, and too tired to continue._

_“Hey,” Noah coaxed. “What’s the matter?”_

_“Tired,” Patton mumbled._

_Noah sighed and rolled his eyes. “Again? Patton, lovely, you’re always tired. We’re married. We shouldn’t have to act like scared high-schoolers anymore. We’re allowed to do whatever.”_

_“I know-”_

_“Don’t you love me?”_

_“I do,” Patton said earnestly. He leaned up and pressed a firm and passionate kiss on Noah’s lips. Noah just pushed him back down onto the couch with a sigh._

_“You killed the mood.”_

_“We can get back into it,” Patton said. “I’m sorry-”_

_Noah sighed and tsked lightly, pushing Patton back down once again when Patton tried to sit up. “No, no. It’s too hard to go back into it.” He sighed. “Damnit, Patton, can’t you just stop being so miserable for one second?”_

_“I’m not miserable,” Patton promised. “I’m not!”_

_“You act like you’re miserable with me. Maybe I should leave you. Make you happy.”_

_“No- That’s not what I want.”_

_“Isn’t it? You sure act like it.”_

_Patton felt fresh tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m just having a bad week, baby, I promise I’m not miserable. I’m happy with you.”_

_~~I feel hazy with you. I don’t know who I am with you. You make me forget who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.~~ _

_Noah sighed and leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to Patton’s forehead. “I believe you. You’re lucky I love you so much, you know? You can be a handful.”_

_“I know.”_

_Noah moved his lips to Patton’s lips and Patton felt the haze overtake him once again. It was a welcome feeling._

Patton was jerked from his memories as his door yanked open and someone dove towards him, engulfing him in their arms.

“Patton, I’m so sorry,” Roman said. He was soaked with rain water, wet hair dripping onto Patton’s car floor. “I am. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s okay, kiddo,” Patton managed. He tried to smile. It didn’t work. Was he capable of smiling? He felt like he never could again, ever.

Roman withdrew and cupped Patton’s face in his hands. Roman’s eyes were red and worried. Patton saw Angelina in the parking spot next to him, still running its engine. The back door opened and Logan emerged from the car, worried frown pressed into his brow. The passenger door then opened and Virgil stepped out with a look of frustration and concern on his fear.

Virgil stormed over and Patton almost flinched as Roman stepped aside, allowing Virgil to crouch close to Patton then fling his arms around him.

“You could’ve told us where you were going at least,” Virgil whispered in his ear.

Patton hesitantly raised his arms, feeling like he was lifting the world, as he wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist. Why was everything so unbearably heavy? Why was life so heavy? Why was he so… sad?

“I’m sorry.”

“Logan’s gonna drive you home,” Virgil said. He pulled away and looked at Patton’s eyes, looking more alarmed and worried by the second. “Did you… did you take something?”

Patton’s eyes widened. “No! I didn’t- I’m not _high_.”

Virgil raised his hands up in defence and managed a tight smile as thunder rolled quietly in the distance. “Just checking. You look spaced out.”

“I’m… I’m not,” Patton said. But he could tell he wasn’t fooling Virgil. He felt like the lines were blurring between memories and the present- dreams and reality. He reached his hand out in the rain. He felt it against his skin, wet and slick. It was sharp and itchy as he pulled it back against his chest. He could barely feel his heartbeat under his skin.

“Okay… Like I said, Logan’s gonna drive you back. Okay?”

Patton nodded. “I’ll just…” Patton slid out of the car. “I’m sorry for worrying you and being silly.”

Logan crossed his arms, frowning. “You cannot apologise for worrying someone as that is something you do not have much control over.”

“It’s okay,” Virgil said. “We’ll meet you at the house, okay?”

Patton walked over to the other side of his car, opening the car door with blurring fingers. The rain pelted against his back but he could barely feel it. He was trapped back in the haze.

_“We’ll get married someday,” Noah promised, kissing Patton so hard and rough that Patton couldn’t breathe. He felt his thighs bruising under the tight grip from Noah’s hands. He felt blissed out even if it was the school bathrooms and they could be caught at any moment._

_“Mhm,” Patton mumbled._

_Noah grinned. “I love you so much.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_“So much,” Noah groaned._

_Patton nodded frantically. “I love you too.”_

_“Do you?”_

_Patton nodded again. “Of course.”_

_“I feel like you don’t,” Noah said with a pout._

_“You’re wrong,” Patton said. “I love you more than anything.”_

_“Even your parents?”_

_~~Red flag.~~ _

_“I-”_

_“It’s okay.” Noah kissed Patton’s open and shocked mouth. “I’ll win you over.”_

_~~Patton ignored the red flags. Why? Whywhywhywhywhy~~ _

Patton splayed his hands over the dashboard and closed his eyes, counting to ten. He hadn’t felt so unstable in a long time and it was very disconcerting.

“Patton?” Logan asked from the driver’s seat as he started the car. “Do you need anything?”

“I’m okay, kiddo,” he said quietly as they pulled from the parking lot, following Roman and Virgil’s lead.

“You are clearly not okay so I would appreciate it if you did not lie to me,” Logan said. Patton flinched.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t- it’s not really a lie.”

Logan sighed. “This is out of my skillset. I apologise… But. Would you like to… as they say, ‘talk about it?’”

Patton took a deep breath and leaned against the seats. His head was swimming, heart beating sluggishly in his chest. He was nineteen all over again, in the bathroom, smiling in the mirror to remind himself of his purpose. Wiping the tears away to whisk away the evidence of sadness. Smashing shampoo bottles onto his thigh until he felt like a human being again. Noah would knock on the door in a few minutes, sobbing.

_~~“I’m so sorry, Patton. I love you, darling.”~~ _

_ He’s just a handful sometimes. _

“I feel like my life has been nothing but a waste,” Patton said quietly, sniffling and rubbing his nose into his sleeve.  

“That’s illogical. A life is rarely a waste,” Logan said.

“Mine is. I spent two years of it being pathetic and useless-”

“We are stopping right there,” Logan snapped. “You would never allow any of us to say such things about ourselves. I will not allow you to either.” Then Logan looked hesitant and slowly said, “Unless you feel that speaking ill of yourself will help.”

Patton took a deep breath. “Logan, I wasted two years of my life married to an abusive man.” Logan’s face remained blank, eyes trained on the road. “And it haunts me every day. I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve barely done anything remarkable or good. My parent’s… they would be disappointed in their son,” he choked out, tears sliding down his cheeks once again. He looked up and saw, to his shock, Logan with tears in his eyes as well.

“Nothing remarkable or good?” Logan asked. “That’s absurd. You have been the most wonderful friend I could have ever asked for and I-” Logan wiped his tears, looking angry at himself for crying. He glared at the road ahead. “I am privileged to know you. You are kind without reason or hesitation. You are good and hard-working. You make people smile. You love endlessly and without bounds. I do not know the details of what transpired between you and… and… that man you were married to. However, Patton, your parents would be so proud of you. They would love who you have become.”

Patton let out a low whine. “I miss them so much, so much, Logan.”

“It would be odd if you didn’t ever miss them.”

“I don’t know why it hits me so hard tonight. I just miss them. So much. And I feel disconnected from my body and this isn’t normal, Logan, this isn’t normal. I don’t feel real-”

“Hey.” Logan’s voice was firm and solid. “You’re real, Patton. I can swear that.”

“I don’t…” Patton’s voice trembled. “I feel so hazy.”

“It is… okay to feel how you are feeling. However, I insist that it’s a cognitive distortion- perhaps disassociation. You are here, in this car, with me and…” Logan looked hesitant, eyebrows furrowed, even as he stared ahead. “You are safe.”

The rest of the drive was a blur of quiet, the only noise being the engine and the rain falling onto the windshield. Patton wished it would stop raining.

They arrived at Virgil’s house nearing 1:30 and Grace stood on the porch, arms crossed and a raincoat over her pyjamas.

“Patton, sweetie,” she said. “Are you okay?”

Patton nodded. “Just needed some air. I’m sorry for causing any worry.”

“It’s okay,” Grace said with a small smile. “Do you need anything?”

“No.”

She nodded and after checking that everyone was okay and safe, she went up to bed. Virgil said he was going to go to bed, giving Patton’s shoulder a tight squeeze and he headed upstairs.

“I will be up in the guest room,” Logan said quietly and then left Roman and Patton alone.

“I’m so-”

“Don’t apologise,” Patton said quietly. He managed a smile. Finally. “I know you’re gonna, but don’t. I’m not mad at you.”

Roman took a deep breath. “I… triggered you.”

“It’s okay,” Patton said quietly.

“It’s not.”

Patton sighed. “Roman. I think we’re good enough friends for it not to be the end of the world if you accidentally upset me, right? You’re okay, kiddo.”

Roman fidgeted then moved forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Patton. “I love you, Pat.”

Patton’s arms made their way around Roman’s waist. “I love you too.”

They drew away and Roman’s hands remained on Patton’s arms until he slowly drew them away. “Sleep well,” Roman said hesitantly.

“You too.”

Patton and Roman made their way upstairs. Patton slid into the darkness of the guest bedroom. He changed into his pyjamas then laid beside Logan who was obviously not asleep. His body was solid and tense.

“Good night, Logan,” he said quietly.

“Good night, Patton,” Logan said and his voice was choked.

Patton closed his eyes and let the tears fall. He realised he was getting louder, sobs coming out in a wretched way. Loud and messy. He heard Logan shifting and sitting up then laying a hand on his back.

“It is all right to cry, Patton. I am here.”

Patton sobbed until all of his energy drained from him and he laid in silence, mouth parted, and eyes heavy, until he drifted off, Logan’s hand on his back the entire time.

-*-

_“My parents are my best friends,” Patton said, sipping on his juice box during the lunch break in sixth grade. Kylie smiled._

_“That’s neat. I love my parents too. But they made me wear these stupid shorts,” she said, tugging at strawberry-red pants that dropped to her mid-thigh. “But they did pack me Goldfish so I’m not mad.”_

_Patton nodded seriously. “You’re not allowed to be mad at people who pack you Goldfish.”_

_Kylie giggled. “Exactly. So what do your parents do for a living?”_

_Patton smiled, feeling the heaviness settle back into his heart. “I like to think they help God take care of all the puppies in heaven.”_

-*-

Patton woke up at 8:30 am to see Logan was no longer in bed with him. The room was empty and quiet. Patton sighed deeply and reached for his phone. He re-read over the texts from everyone from the night before. It all felt surreal. He ran a hand through his hair.

The sound of the door opening pulled Patton from his thoughts and he watched Virgil peek in with a hesitant smile. “Can I come in?”

Patton nodded; Virgil slowly approached the bed and sat down. “You doing okay, Patton?” Virgil asked.

Patton took a deep breath. “Last night’s pretty blurry.”

“Yeah… I can see that.” Quiet. Then, “Listen… I might be overstepping,” Virgil said quietly, “but… have you ever considered seeing someone? Like a therapist?”

Patton swallowed the lump in his throat. “Not really.”

“I’m not saying you should or that you have to,” Virgil said, “but I think it might help you. With the things that… carry with you.”

Patton nodded. “Yeah. I just feel like I always need to be okay,” Patton admitted. “My parents would be so ashamed,” he said, voice dropping.

Virgil scooted closer to him and pulled Patton closer to his side. “Your parents wouldn’t be ashamed of you. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know.”

Virgil smiled wryly. “You know, you know- you know with everyone except for yourself.” Virgil sighed and pulled away, digging his hands into his hoodie pocket and withdrew a wrinkly stack of four folded papers. “Look, I know I’m turning into Logan here. But this is… just a list. For centers and therapists, you know? In case you want, like, that.”

Patton took the papers with an unsteady hand and tried to smile. “Thank you, kiddo.”

“No prob.” Virgil shoved his hands in his pockets. “I don’t want you to feel so alone.”

“I’m not alone. I have you guys.”

“Yeah, you do.” Virgil sighed. “But, I know that it can feel like you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time. You can share that weight with us sometimes, okay? Like last night. No one minded… looking out for you a bit.”

“It’s a little selfish of me though, isn’t it?” Patton asked.

“Would it be selfish of me?” Virgil asked bluntly.

Patton’s eyes widened in alarm. “No, of course not-”

“Then it’s not selfish of you.” Virgil stood up and shot Patton a smile. “You should come down. Roman’s attempting to make omelettes and it’s an… experience.”

Patton grinned, set aside the papers on the bedside table, and followed Virgil down the stairs.

“Roman, you put too much milk,” Logan said.

“I second that,” Grace said. As Patton descended the stairs, he was able to see the scene better. Logan and Grace stood around Roman who was standing over a pan which bubbled a mixture that looked like some form of cheese, milk, and egg hybrid.

“I did not,” Roman insisted. “I put a splash like it said!”

Logan scoffed, brow furrowed. “If by a splash you mean three full cups for two eggs, then yes, you sure did put a splash in there.”

“Ugh.” Roman sighed and pulled the pan away, looking forlornly in the messy pan. “Darn.”

Patton walked down the last few steps and approached the scene. Roman looked up and smiled brightly. “Hey, Patton! I was making eggs but I think… it’s not turning out so well.”

“That is a major understatement,” Logan said. “You set out to make omelettes but instead made some form of egg soup.”

“Hey, Specs, I _tried_ , give me a break.”

Logan raised his hands up. “All right. I still say, however, that this could have been avoided if you had only followed my directions.”

“Want me to make some?” Patton asked. “I know how to make a good omelette.”

“Have at it,” Grace said. “Honestly, it can’t be worse than Roman’s creation.” She shot a wink in Roman’s direction and Roman gasped, hand to his chest.

Patton laughed as Virgil and Roman began bickering. He cracked the first egg and set to work, thanking God for the normalcy and boringness of every-day life.

-*-

That night, Patton sat up in the guest room alone. He sifted through the papers Virgil had given him. Patton took a deep breath.

_“You’re f*cked up, damaged, and ruined. No one wants my leftovers,” Noah said the day Patton had proposed a divorce. “I knew it from the day we met that you’d leave me, just like everyone else. No one cares. But guess what, Patton? No one cares about you either.”_

“Shut up,” Patton whispered as he pulled out his phone. He was ready to start putting the past in the past. He figured, doing some research on the things Virgil had listed for him was a good place to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is becoming one of the darker things I’ve written. I’m sorry. Please heed the warnings. Feedback, as always, is much appreciated!


	6. Chapter 6

**Saturday, July 15 th 2017**

“Did you get everything?” Virgil asked as he tossed Roman’s second bag into the back of Angelina. Patton shot Virgil a smile as he shut his own trunk.

“I sure did, kiddo.”

Virgil barely had time to shoot another smile Patton’s way before Roman came out, two huge bags dangling from his arms and he was tossing them into the backseat with an exaggerated grunt.

“Oh boy. Thank God I have these muscles to help me out in my time of need,” Roman said.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Too bad they’re not as big as your ego.”

“I haven’t a clue what you speak of, Virgil.”

Logan walked out, holding his simple black duffle, wearing a frown. “Did someone take my phone?”

“No,” Roman answered. Too fast, Patton noted. Way too fast.

Logan narrowed his eyes. “You took my phone!”

“I absolutely did not.”

“You did! That is thievery, Roman, and I could press charges if I so desired-” Logan dropped his duffel and lunged toward Roman who sprinted across the yard, cackling.

“He’s the mature one of this bunch,” Virgil noted, a fond smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. “To be fair though, Roman did fill Logan’s camera roll with about 100 new additions so I suppose it’s fair game.”

Patton laughed. “Kick his butt, Logan!” he called through cupped hands with a little giggle. Virgil grinned back.

Logan tackled Roman into the grass, hands reaching for Roman’s jean pockets. Patton turned back to Virgil, smile faltering when he noticed the somber look on Virgil’s face.

“How are you?” Virgil asked quietly.

Patton swallowed. “Okay. I’m a bit tired but…” he trailed off. “I booked a consult with a therapist, two weeks from now. Apparently, she specializes in trauma and I think… it’s what I need.”

Virgil reached forward and clasped Patton’s hands. “I’m so proud of you.”

Patton felt tears filling his eyes, lump growing in his throat. He smiled at Virgil, trying to convey the gratitude the words made him feel through his expression alone. Virgil just leaned forward and wrapped Patton in a hug. Patton accepted, arms tight around Virgil. Roman shrieked in displeasure as Patton watched Logan snatch his phone back from Roman’s clutches.

“I love ya, Virge. And I’m proud of you too,” he said.

Virgil laughed, pulling away. “Thanks.” He turned to Logan as he and Roman came bounding up, Roman panting.

“He attacked me,” Roman said.

“You had stolen property on your person,” Logan grumbled. “Who could blame me?”

“Me!” Roman said.

“You do not count.”

Roman landed a hand on his chest, making a high and offended whine. “Well. Angelina and I shall just leave. You don’t deserve the grace of our presence anyway.”

“Are you five?” Virgil asked.

“I’m twelve, thank you very much.”

Virgil scowled but still leaned over to give Roman a hug, muttering a quiet, “Thanks for staying,” that Patton pretended not to hear. Roman then went over and wrapped Patton in a hug, squeezing just a little too tight but Patton didn’t mind.

“Call me, Padre, and I’ll invite you to my mom’s to have dinner. Her Kraft mac and cheese is to die for,” Roman said with a wink. “That goes for all of you.” He looked to Logan. “Even you, you… bully.”

“It was not bullying; you _stole_ my phone!” Logan said, crossing his arms. Roman waved a hand.

“Details, details,” Roman said then squeezed Logan’s shoulder but Patton was surprised to see Logan hesitantly wrap his arms around Roman’s midsection and lean his head into Roman’s shoulder. By the wide-eyed and slightly misty look on Roman’s face, he was surprised too. Roman patted Logan’s back and smiled, giving a little squeeze, then pulling away. Everyone ignored the flushed pink in Logan’s cheeks.

“See you all later!” Roman said, getting into his car and waving. The three gave short waves back and soon enough, Roman was peeling off down the road, Mary Poppins blasting from his speakers.

“He’s too much,” Virgil said with an eye roll. But he was smiling. “Thanks again for coming guys, I-”

“It was no problem,” Logan said. “You may… call me if you ever need someone, all right?”

“Same goes for you,” Virgil said. “We should try to grab dinner or something together soon. For real.”

Patton nodded. “Count on it.”

Virgil gave Patton another hug then Logan and Virgil gave each other a hesitant little hug that ended with a fist-bump that Virgil initiated.

“Drive safe,” Virgil said.

“Will do,” Patton said. Logan picked up his duffel bag and slid into the passenger side as Patton got into the driver’s side. He shut the door and started up the car, buckling in.

“Hey, Patton?” Logan asked quietly.

“Hm?”

“I do not want to return to campus just yet… do you think, perhaps, we could… do something?”

Patton broke out into a big smile. “I was hoping you’d ask! Where do you wanna go?” he asked, pulling out and shooting one last wave in Virgil’s direction as the boy walked back to his doorstep. He couldn’t help but notice the slight drop in Virgil’s shoulders as he entered his house. Patton privately resolved to call Virgil the next day. Invite him to do something fun with him and maybe Logan too.

He knew how heavy death could feel. He knew it all too well, returning to the place where someone was supposed to be waiting and how painful that was. And Smokey might have been a dog but Patton knew she was Virgil’s best friend, a marker of his childhood. Now she was gone. That was going to be hard and difficult to get through. But Patton swore he was going to try to be there the whole way.

“I was thinking we could have pizza and then perhaps go see that one… dog movie you had wanted to see.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” Patton said happily. Logan shot him a smile back.

“I am glad you are my friend, Patton,” he said. “I am lucky to have you in my life.”

“Ditto, kiddo. Ditto.”

Patton rolled down the windows and let the light summer breeze tease his hair. 1:00 PM. Early. It was beautiful out and for once, Patton felt the beauty in his very soul. He was finally taking steps to move on and stop living in the past. Life was not over. It was just beginning and it was scary but it was more beautiful than ever.

Patton felt free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This brings us to, not only the end of Call it Home, but the end of the human!AU in general. I keep trying to tell myself, “it’s just a fanfiction,” but I have poured a lot of myself into this series. I started this series almost a year ago and both I and my writing have grown since then. Over 75K of a series that I devoted a lot of time and emotions into and I have been rewarded with far more praise than I deserve. Thank you for enjoying this with me and thank you for sticking by. 
> 
> Thank you so much.

**Author's Note:**

> GUESS WHO’S BACK?? Did ya miss me? Bet not. I’ve drug this AU out to its death but Patton has a story to tell and I’m here to tell it. Pls let me know what you think!


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